The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "the teeth".

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn’t say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That’s because I’m amphibious."

"I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."---senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh.

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." ---Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996.

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach.

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school."

1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’"

1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior snapped "It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I’ll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I’m sorry to have come on so strong - I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why, what does it tell YOU?"Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

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Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and the horse won each time.

So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw his life’s savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie’s fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last! Charlie was crushed.

He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then asked,"What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life’s savings." "That’s the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4^th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs. (No longer called pigskins??)

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.

Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

You can see this one coming...--ss

This frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack; so he says, "Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog replies, "$300,000." The teller asks his name and the frog answers, "It’s Kermit Jagger, I’m the adopted pet of Mick Jagger-it’s okay, I know the bank manager.

Patti explains that $300,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about 1-inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and leaves the room. She finds the manager and tells him, "There is a frog called ‘Kermit Jagger’ out there, claiming to know Mick Jagger and wanting to borrow $300,000; and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant and asks, "What the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks her in the eye and says:

It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don’t." "Don’t what?" Adam replied. "Don’t eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" " No way!" " Yes WAY!"

"Don’t eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?"

"Because I’m your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said. "Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!!" Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Words that a parent knows the true meanings of:

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

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A college student was in a Philsophy class, where a class discussion about whether or not God exists was in progress. The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the 3^rd time, he simply stated, "Then there is no GOD."

A student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

The student received an "A" in the class.

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I’ll take the soup."

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her. The first son bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her. Her second son bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval. Her youngest son had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be. Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s too large to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and really don’t like the chauffeur, so please return the car." Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

TRUE STORY: Car-jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out of the car. The 4 men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. Small problem , her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white women......no charges were filed.

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Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, What’s the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. ‘Be still, my heart,’ thought my friend, ‘my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!’ Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?"

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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I’m Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I’m not."

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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered "It’s Adam’s suit!!"

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At the beginning of a children’s sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor’s clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron."